The Dirt

So it has been a hard month or so for me.  I hate it when I hear someone ramble on about their problems, but this blog has a lot to do with my problems and my attempt to fix them.   So I will just simply list them.  

1. I caught the flu and missed a week of work.
2. While I had the flu I ran out of my sleeping medicine, this triggered depression for me.
3. While depressed I continued to work and one night at work I had an anxiety attack in front of a co-worker.
4. I was binging every day with every meal.
5. I finally reached out to my therapist and my psychiatrist.
6. They both recommend we go back a step to the visits that were closer together, and my psychiatrist refilled my sleep medication.
7. My mother called to tell me that she is getting a divorce from her most recent husband.
8. I spoke with my nephew who has recently had two strokes and will now be disabled for life.
9. Slowly but surely I started to come out of my depression.  
10. I started by beginning to shower again, and getting out of the bed even when I didn't have to work.
11. Today I went back to group, and thirty minutes before group started I found out my grandmother died.

So here I am at 2 am trying to figure out how to deal with these big things and all the other little things.  Oh and I forgot to mention that I can't remember right.  Twice during this time I left the oven on overnight, and today before I went to group I put chicken on to roast and went to group and left it on.  Thankfully it did not catch fire.  But our date night was ruined because we had to package our meals and leave.  

Of course now I am laying blame on myself.  I think it is my fault that I could not defuse my anxiety.  It's my fault that I binge.  It's my fault that my mother has gotten worse, (she is Bi-Polar, ADHD, and has PTSD.) It's my fault that my nephews kid's do not have a good family life.  I also feel like I am heartless because I haven't cried over my Nana's passing.  All of my pain and their pain is my fault.

Now that I written that all out I see how silly it is.  I am already feeling better about this.  It is my fault that I binge, but I binge in response to my anxiety.  I don't know how to defuse my anxiety yet so that is a work in progress and I need to be patient and take it moment by moment and make sure I celebrate my victories.  

I felt it was my fault that my mother got worse because I am barely involved in her life at all.  But she is a grown woman who has multiple times started therapy then dropped out.  I do not have the ability to heal her, only she can work on herself and I am not responsible for her bad decisions.  

My nephew is an incredibly stupid individual and always has been.  I felt that my blame here was that I didn't take his kids away from him as he had them.  I was not then or am I now in any kind of shape to raise a child let alone two.  

I have not cried over Nana dying, I might cry at the funeral I don't know.  We were not close, I am not really close to any of my family.  Nana felt that after her son divorced my mother that he should not be involved in my life.  At that point she and I were through with each other.  I saw her once more after my dad's funeral.  Now that she has passed I am trying to concentrate on the times before the divorce when she was just my Nana and she didn't care that I was her son's stepchild instead of his blood child.  He raised me so as far as I am concerned he is my dad.  Argument aside I don't feel a major grief impact because we were not close, no harm in that.

I do feel incredibly guilty about leaving the oven on.  I know my memory is not so good right now and I believe it has to do with the stress that I am under.  I feel very guilty because my Sexy Bear is so very good to me and he doesn't ask much but he does ask that I turn the oven off when I am through because it is dangerous and somehow I can't remember to do that lately.  

I am not sure what I am going to do except for continue to take it day by day, moment by moment, and handle each problem as it arrives.  Thank you for listening.