Forever.

Today my head is full of life.  Full of laughter, my hubby's smile, a little girl that should have had a rubber duckie, the feeling of moving a paint brush just right, leaning back in a recliner with a lap full of soft warm purring cats.  I went slowly through today, I savored it.  I spoke with my mothers and they are going through hard times so I let them know that I love them, that I hurt with them, and that I have faith that they can work their way through respective issues.  I hugged my husband a lot today. I all but jumped into his arms and I stayed there.  I kissed my favorite spots on his face and enjoyed how wonderful it feels to run my fingertips over his evening stubble.  I made him laugh, which makes me smile and I watched him make art.  Everyone creates something and he creates conversation and good will.  One of the most difficult arts there is.  While painting my ceramic the most darling little lady came to the ceramic store to find her glass pig that she had painted with her mother.  She came clomping in straight to the dog which was right at eye level, and says, "Hi  Dog!"  She tells me hi, my husband hi, the other dog hi, the owner hi....  Her voice was little and sweet like birdsong.  Filling the whole store with her exuberance for greeting everyone in a timely manner.  The sweet spectacle was repeated at her departure.  Today was like a good long stretch that makes your toes tingle.  It all felt so right and comfortable.

I woke my poor hubby up this evening and told him about how my head is full of life.  I told him about everything above and since he was there with me today he laughed that I was delighted.  I told him that if I could paint happiness it would be a soft out of focus meadow.  So out of focus you really almost can't tell what it is.  It would be all soft bright sunshine on top, soft greens and blues in bottom and small spots of pink and white for the flowers.  We made a game of the conversation and he asked me, "okay how do you paint a kiss?"  I told him that would be a big red rose, so big that it take up the entire canvas and a white butterfly.  Because a smile is more than red and white it is also the desire to smile.  So the rose is the lips, the butterfly the teeth and the overall effect would be the smile.  lol.  It tickles me and excites me to feel so good.


All this good will is beautiful.  If my mental difficulties were compared to a dark enchanted forest then today I  found the clearing in the center where the sun shines and the meadow grass is soft and fragrant.  Of course my artistic juices are flowing and in a weird way I think have finally been called to something.  I feel it in my heart.  I need to create what I feel good or bad or indifferent.  hee hee.  I need to express how I feel in paint.  Rather than bury my pain, my anxiety, and my fear I need to push them out of me through a paint brush.  Rather than distrust my happiness, and contentment I need to give it a place to grow on canvas.

I feel fragile like an over-sized china doll.  Because when I am down, I am very, very, down.  I am dirt down, root down, deep down.  Now that I am back on solid ground, rather than in it I am scared that I will break or trip and end up underneath again  but that next time I will shatter and I won't be able to put myself back together again.  I am afraid that these days, these moments, these experiences will not last.  And I know for a fact that no matter what they will not last forever, nothing does, even forever ends with a period.  Maybe this a gift of my eating disorder.  Maybe having learned to savor every nanosecond of every moment no matter how simple is the price the eating disorder paid to me.